"Hello, we are Those People Who Make Awkward Small Talk."

I'm the man who comes in and attempts to greet the baristas like old friends, laughing about some inside joke I imagine we share, even though the baristas have no idea what's going on. I take my time at the counter, and while I stall to look at the menu longer, I make wisecracks about coffee and pastries that I think make the mood lighter, but which actually make the people behind the counter very uneasy and the people in line behind me very impatient. Maybe I think that my sense of humor will win me better service or special discounts; in reality, any time I approach the door, the baristas sigh and say to each other, "Oh no, it's that creepy guy again...you take the cash register, I don't want to deal with him..."

I also flirt with all of the female baristas, even though they're in their 20s and I'm in my 50s.

It's very nice to meet you.

"Hello, we are Those People Who Order an Item They're Not Familiar With and Then Complain Because It's Not What They Really Wanted."

I'm the lady who orders an espresso (which I call an "expresso") because I think it sounds refined and coffee shop-ish, thinking that it's some kind of drink similar to a cup of Folger's coffee. When I get a small cup with a few shots of bitter espresso in it, I complain that my drink has been messed up, and possibly even accuse the baristas of giving me "a used drink."* I could also be the guy who orders a latte and then complains because the drink is hot instead of cold, even though it was clearly listed on the menu under "Warmers" instead of "Chillers." I could also be the person who orders a cappuccino and complains that it's "too foamy," the person who points out that I'm lactose intolerant after ordering a drink without asking for soy milk, or the person who asks for a shot of regular espresso to be put in my decaf coffee "to add flavor," then questions if it'll have too much caffeine.

Whoever I am, it's very nice to meet you.


*Author's Note: When I was a barista, a lady actually really did accuse me of doing this once when she ordered an espresso. I thought to myself, "Why, of course, we were cleaning off a table and saw a half-consumed latte and figured 'She'll never notice' and gave you that drink. That's exactly what we do at this coffee shop. Are you kidding me?!" End rant.

"Hello, we are Those People Who Try to Place Their Orders from the Bar So They Can Cut in Line."

I'm the "cool guy" who saunters in while several people are in line in front of him, but who never actually commits to the queue. I then walk over to the bar area to look at today's coffee blend selections, and after a few minutes of indecisively shifting my weight from one leg to the other, I catch one of the baristas in the spare second when he or she is not actively making a drink or fixing a pastry and try to place an order. It's usually something overly specific and confusing, such as "I need one of those Snickers Bars, but with decaf espresso and ice." I don't seem to notice that five people are in the line a mere four feet to my right, or that another three or four people are patiently waiting for their orders. I get miffed when the barista tells me to go get in line to place my order, and when I finally get to the front and they ask me what I'd like, I get angry because I already placed my order five minutes ago while they were busy making drinks for other customers.

It's very nice to meet you.

"Hello, we are Those People Who Bring Their Own Drinks from a Competing Coffee Shop and Don't Buy Anything."

We're the couple that comes into the shop with lattes already in our hands, in cups clearly emblazoned with the logo of a competing business. The baristas initially assume that we've come to buy some pastries or bagels that the other coffee shop doesn't have, or that we're going to use the shop's Wi-Fi and at least leave a tip or something. These assumptions are completely unfounded, as we've come only to enjoy the atmosphere, and we sit and talk for two or three hours before leaving, having purchased nothing. We like the quaint feel of this coffee shop, but don't plan on supporting it with our business anytime soon - we like the brand-name drinks too much. However, we have no qualms about using the coffee shop's restroom or "borrowing" the coffee shop's napkins.

It's very nice to meet you.