"Hello, we are Those People Who Want an Unhealthy Number of Espresso Shots in Their Drinks."

I'm the woman who comes in twice a day, slightly shaking, in need of my caffeine fix. I order a beverage that is already strong, such a Red Eye, but then ask to have it pushed to its most ludicrous extreme. As if this is an ordinary request, I ask for eight shots of espresso, saying I need "a buzz." The baristas ask, somewhat pleadingly, if I think that might be a bit much, but I insist. I always make my two stops for my lethal drink, dropping upwards of $6 on a malotov cocktail of coffee.

What, you think I might be a "caffeine addict"? That is just silly, caffeine isn't addictive! I don't know who told you that, but it's just an urban legend.

It's very nice to meet you.

"Hello, we are Those People Who are Overly Pretentious About Using Their Purchases for Their Pet Causes."

I'm the guy who comes in and asks if the coffee shop has Fair Trade coffee. When the baristas say yes they do, I launch into a lengthy sermon, declaring, "Oh good, because I only buy Fair Trade products. I just think it's ridiculous how little those plantation workers in [Indonesia/Kenya/Mexico/wherever] get paid, and we really need to do something to help them." I then go on to decry the evils of Wal-mart, Target, and other large corporations.

You can only imagine what kind of monologue I deliver at the coffee shops that do not serve Fair Trade products.

I make sure everyone in earshot knows that I care about social justice before I sit down with my MacBook and start listening to Coldplay on my iTunes. Of course, I would never admit to anyone that my commitment to changing the world starts and ends with my cup of the Sumatran blend, and that I really care more about impressing that hot girl at my university who's always wearing that "MY HEART IS BEEPING" Save Darfur t-shirt. But hey, supporting my cause through my coffee order is the least I can do (...literally).

It's very nice to meet you.

"Hello, we are Those People Who Give the Barista Step-by-Step Guides That Must Be Followed Exactly to Make Their Drinks."

I'm the man who comes up to the register and begins the following conversation:

CUSTOMER: I'd like a latte...
BARISTA: (ringing it up) OK, that'll be $2.89.
CUSTOMER: ...and this is how you're going to make it.
BARISTA: (stops, looks up) Huh?
CUSTOMER: Now, I want three shots of espresso, but I don't want them to be bitter, so I want you to pull them after you prepare the rest of the drink.
BARISTA: (pauses) Well, OK, we can do that. So, that'll be...
CUSTOMER: ...and make sure you use 2% milk. And when you steam it, I want you to make sure it's at least 190º.
BARISTA: That's pretty hot... (shakes head) Fine. That'll be...
CUSTOMER: (impatient) I'm not finished. (pauses)
BARISTA: (makes awkward eye contact) ...what else do you want?
CUSTOMER: Put three pumps of vanilla in there. Not the new vanilla syrup you started using about two months ago, pull out the old good stuff.
BARISTA: (amazed) I...don't really think we have any more of the old syrup.
CUSTOMER: (insistent) You do. I always get it.
BARISTA: (unconvinced) Well...OK then.
CUSTOMER: Steam the 2% milk first, to 190º, and then put in the syrup. Three pumps. The last time I came in the worker just put in two pumps and it was awful.
BARISTA: (forced smile) Yes sir. Anything other instructions?
CUSTOMER: Yes. (The barista muffles a groan, while other baristas have stopped and wait for the instructions on how to make the drink.) When you put the three freshly pulled shots into the drink, make sure you stir it well. About ten times should do it. But don't stir too long or it'll get all bitter.
BARISTA: (confused) All right. (resolute) Anything else?
CUSTOMER: (pauses, thinks) No. That should do it. (cashier sighs, other baristas begin making the drink) How much do I owe you?
BARISTA: That'll be $3.46.
CUSTOMER: (angered) You said it would be $2.89!
BARISTA: Well, that was before you asked for shots of syrup.
CUSTOMER: (miffed) Fine. Forget the shots of vanilla.
(The baristas have just put the vanilla shots into the cup of steamed milk; they audibly groan and throw it away, then start remaking the drink.)

It's very nice to meet you.

"Hello, we are Those People Who Want Impossibly Paradoxical Amounts of Coffee in Their Beverages."

I'm the woman who mulls over the menu, and then comments, "I want something without much coffee in it..." The barista, trying to be helpful, recommends the various non-coffee selections, including smoothies, blended ices, Italian sodas, and teas. I nod affirmatively, then say, "You know, I think I'd really like a latte."

After a moment of incredulous silence, the barista gently tries to point out that a latte has espresso in it. I shake my head and grumble, "I know that, but could you make it with a little less coffee?"

When I get my latte made with only half a shot of espresso, I complain that it doesn't taste like it should and give it back to the baristas, asking for "just a little more" coffee in it. They add another shot of espresso, but when I taste my drink this time, I am overwhelmed with the coffee flavor. I angrily give my drink back and ask for a refund.

It's very nice to meet you.