"Hello, we are Those People Who Do Not Understand How Bagels Work."

I'm the man who rigorously studies the pastry display, trying to decide on a snack. I ask the baristas what kinds of doughnuts they have, to which the employees reply incredulously, "Um, we don't have doughnuts." I irritatedly point to the display and accusingly ask, "Then what are those?!" to which the employees reply, "Well those are bagels."

Pssssh. As if there's much of a difference.

I ask what kind of bagels they have, and I decide on a plain. They ask if I want it "sliced and toasted," which blows my mind. They cut bagels up? Crazy! My mind gets blown again when the baristas offer several varieties of cream cheese. This is simply too much to handle!

Once I finally receive my unusual snack, I am surprised to see it presented to me "like a sandwich," with the cream cheese already applied and the two halves of the bagel put back together. This isn't at all like those bagels at the hotel breakfast buffet when I'm on a business trip! I thought this would be more like a doughnut. I argue this point with the server, but he insists this is how they always prepare them. How utterly absurd!

It's very nice to meet you.