"Hello, we are Those People Who Try to Return Broken Merchandise at Full Price."

I'm the man who bought an French press or a coffee mug at the coffee shop, and promptly broke it after using it only a few times. It's true that maybe I didn't read the instructions and I overloaded the French press and kept squeezing it until it cracked, or that I set the mug on my desk and then absent-mindedly knocked it off onto the hardwood floor where it shattered, but I believe that the reason the object gave out was ultimately because the coffee shop sold me a faulty item. As such, I intend to hold them accountable.

I return to the coffee shop with the item in hand, and gruffly ask to speak with a manager. I explain to her that the object was a lemon and that I deserve a brand new one, free of charge. She doesn't like the fact that I broke it myself, and strangely has a huge problem with me trying to return it with its original packaging and without a receipt to prove I purchased the item here. She finally rejects my demands after I spend several minutes chewing her out. Finally I storm out, livid at the lack of customer service.

It's very nice to meet you.