"Hello, we are Those People Who Blame the Coffee Shop for The Fact That They're Running Late."

I'm the businessman who has to drive half an hour to work, but stops by the coffee shop around 7am to "grab a quick cup of coffee" before rushing back out onto the freeways. However, I'm already running about five minutes behind when I jump into my Sebring, so I cannot afford to wait in line; paradoxically, however, I choose to stop by the coffee shop right in the midst of their morning rush hour. I stand impatiently in line, shifting my weight from one leg to the other, hands shoved in my pockets except when I pull out my left arm to check my watch once every twenty seconds. When I finally get to the counter I place my order and emphasize, "And I'm in hurry," as if this will magically erase the other fifteen lattes that the baristas need to make before getting to my order.

I stand to the side and wait patiently for about fourteen seconds, before I approach the bar and declare, "Is it ready yet? I really need to be going." Obviously, out of all the people waiting for their beverages, I am the one in the biggest hurry. However, I am disgusted that it takes a full three minutes for me to get my order, and I rush back out to work. When I get to the office twenty minutes late, I grumble, "Sorry everyone, the service at the coffee shop where I stopped this morning was terrible."

It's very nice to meet you.

"Hello, we are Those People Who Blatantly Take Money from the Tip Jar."

I'm the man who always pays for his cup of house coffee with a large bill, but wants to round off his purchase to the nearest dollar. Instead of bringing my own spare change, however, I'll simply sneak a few dimes and pennies out of the tip jar to account for the additional 27¢. The baristas let this slide the first few times I do it, but call me on it once it becomes clear that my action isn't a simple mental slip.

When called out, I apologize and put a bill in the cup. However, when the baristas pull out the tips at the end of the shift, they find that the bill was one of those million dollar bill Christian tracts.

It's very nice to meet you.

"Hello, we are Those People Who Expect the Independent Coffee Shop to be Exactly Like Starbucks."

I'm the man who has made a habit of making a daily Starbucks stop, but decided to change things up and check out this "other" coffee shop that I always pass on my way to and from work. Upon looking at the menu, I'm aghast to find that the drinks and food items are not exactly the same as Starbucks. This doesn't phase me, however, as I still try to order a Venti White Chocolate Mocha Frappuccino, even though the drinks sizes at this establishment are clearly advertised as "small," "medium," and "large," and "Frappuccino" is a registered trademark which cannot be sold by other franchises. When the baristas explain this and attempt to offer a similar alternative, I simply repeat my order more slowly as if this will magically give them the ability to infringe on Starbucks' copyrights. I don't understand why all of the coffee shops in the world are not yet conforming to the Starbucks model - this Mom & Pop establishment is quaint and all, but I'd rather have the standard institutional monotony of the brand name franchise.

It's very nice to meet you.

"Hello, we are Those People Who Order Something Generic and Refuse to Clarify What They Really Want."

I'm the older man who disdains all of the nuances of these modern, trendy coffee places. I come in and say, with a grumble, "I'd like a regular coffee." The barista asks me if I want light or dark, and I let out a grunt and repeat, "I just want REGULAR COFFEE. Nothing more than just regular." I don't seem to grasp the fact that light and dark are both types of regular coffee.

Or, I'm the lady who comes in and orders tea. When asked what type of tea, I say it's some good tea that I had the other day, and can offer no further details. When the baristas ask me questions about the flavor, smell, color, and so on, I just reiterate over and over that it's a good tea. Nevermind that the shop offers Earl Grey, Darjeeling, Jasmine, Chamomille, English Breakfast, etc etc etc. I assume that my preferred cup of tea is the one of choice, so I'm upset when I receive a different type than the Irish Breakfast tea I actually wanted.


Either way, it's very nice to meet you.

"Hello, we are Those People Who Steal the Coffee Shop's Wi-Fi."

I'm the man who doesn't ever actually come into the coffee shop, but instead sits in his car parked in the side parking lot where I can't be as easily seen by anyone in the building. I place my laptop on the seat next to me and pick up the wireless internet connection from the store, trying to be discreet about my piracy. I don't ever actually come into the shop and support it with my business; in fact, I don't even have the decency to step inside and get a glass of water. Hey, the internet is free, so I'm going to take advantage of it. Why should I bother being polite and supporting the establishment which provides this service?

It's also very likely that I'm either downloading music illegally or looking up pornography.

It's very nice to meet you.