"Hello, we are Those People Who are Conveniently Oblivious to the Destruction Being Caused by Their Children."

I'm the mom who brings along her two children, ages six and seven, on her coffee run. As I place my order, I tell my kids to sit down and be quiet, to which they respond by prompting jumping up and running around screaming at the top of their lungs. They pull napkins out of the dispensers, knock over the sugar and creamer, pull chairs out from tables and leave them in the middle of the room.

However, while everyone else in the coffee shop looks on in horror at my children's reign of destruction, I simply take my time placing my order, occasionally glancing at my kids and softly saying, "Now you two behave yourselves," while not actually doing anything to stop them. When one of the baristas leans over the counter and attempts to politely tell the children to be quiet, I get very offended. These are my kids, leave them alone! Besides, it's not like they're doing anything wrong...

It's very nice to meet you.

"Hello, we are Those People Who Claim the Largest Table in the Coffee Shop for Themselves."

I am the young man who comes in with a laptop and a collection of papers and printouts, ready to settle in and get some work done. However, instead of taking my place at a small table for two for sitting up on the bar, I elect for the large round table intended to seat eight people. I plug in my laptop and spread out my files, as I watch several families and groups of friends come in and pull together the smaller tables just to find enough seating. I think I notice them eying my booth, but I'm sure it's just selfish jealousy on their parts.

I am probably also one of Those People Who Take Over the Coffee Shop for Group Study Sessions, but at least in those situations we have people occupying all of the chairs. Here, by myself I am blocking half a dozen people from finding a place to sit. I really need to get work done, though, and this is the ideal workspace! Do you honestly expect me to cram into one of those tiny side tables? I don't think so.

It's very nice to meet you.

"Hello, we are Those People Who Do Not Understand How Bagels Work."

I'm the man who rigorously studies the pastry display, trying to decide on a snack. I ask the baristas what kinds of doughnuts they have, to which the employees reply incredulously, "Um, we don't have doughnuts." I irritatedly point to the display and accusingly ask, "Then what are those?!" to which the employees reply, "Well those are bagels."

Pssssh. As if there's much of a difference.

I ask what kind of bagels they have, and I decide on a plain. They ask if I want it "sliced and toasted," which blows my mind. They cut bagels up? Crazy! My mind gets blown again when the baristas offer several varieties of cream cheese. This is simply too much to handle!

Once I finally receive my unusual snack, I am surprised to see it presented to me "like a sandwich," with the cream cheese already applied and the two halves of the bagel put back together. This isn't at all like those bagels at the hotel breakfast buffet when I'm on a business trip! I thought this would be more like a doughnut. I argue this point with the server, but he insists this is how they always prepare them. How utterly absurd!

It's very nice to meet you.

"Hello, we are Those People Who Disdain Any Coffee Shop Whose Baristas Were Not Trained in Seattle or Portland."

I'm the guy who spent one summer up in the Pacific Northwest with a buddy of mine, and in addition to improving my taste in music and "being about social justice," I have fallen in love with the birthplace of Starbucks and Seattle's Best. I became accustomed to ridiculously elaborate coffee foam art and precisely pulled espresso shots, not to mention inventive and delectable drinks (all of which are completely Fair Trade).

However, I have returned home to the Midwest or the South or some other region - all of them are the same, really, once you've experienced True Civilization. And I am come into the coffee shop I used to enjoy before my regional conversion experience, and realize how flawed my tasted used to be. The foam on my drink has no designs, the menu only offers your standard coffee fare; why, I don't even think my barista has a Master's Degree! I try to explain the proper way to make my drink, but I feel like I'm talking to some alien species. I need to get out of this hell hole fast, and back to the place where coffee is done the right way, by the people in black aprons.

It's very nice for you to meet me, isn't it?